Gonna Hafta Face It

I'm needing to vent, so you've been warned! (I'm also having a bit of a pity-party too!)

I was awake until almost 2 this morning thinking and worrying about Harrison's Crohn's. A friend of mine told me about a Chiropractor that specializes in the disease in children, and the chiropractor is right here in Owasso. She mentioned that the chiro had never turned away anyone from inability to pay. (We are doing all we can to keep up with medical bills at this point and don't have a lot of money to throw at "alternative" healing methods.)

A few months ago I took Harrison to a healer that looks in a person's iris and can tell what is wrong with their bodies. She told me that Harrison's colon was "very sick." This was before I told her about the diagnosis of Crohn's or any history at all. She recommended against the medical treatment that we are currently giving Harrison. He is on Imuran and his immune system is being suppressed right now. I was so confused when I left her office - did I rely on the herbal treatments she was suggesting, or did I stay with the medical doctor's advice?

So, if I go to this chiropractor, I'll be faced with the same decision - and I don't know the right thing to do! I pray and pray, but I'm not getting any "writing on the wall" about what the right thing to do is.

I HATE, HATE the fact that I've spent all my motherhood years feeding my children to make them grow & have healthy immune systems, and now every morning I'm giving him a tiny yellow pill that is killing his immune system. I certainly don't feel right about that! I lose sleep over that almost every night. I'm told by the Dr.'s that we are very fortunate that he has responded so well to this drug - that he could have to be on more powerful drugs - but I find myself unable to be thankful for that.

I also hate that he is 5 and dealing with all this. A little of me dies everytime we have to have another test done, another vial of blood taken. Again, I'm told how blessed I am to have a child that doesn't cry at needles, but, I am having a hard time being thankful for that. I'm supposed to have the answers, aren't I? I'm supposed to know how to best protect my child, and I have no idea. I'm very well-read on Crohn's now. I still have no clear path to take.

All I can rely on is that God is hearing my prayers and that He knows what's best for Harrison and He will protect him. I know God hears my prayers. But right now, I feel so alone. Some day, I'm going to have to face the fact that I have a sick kiddo and just "walk it off." Maybe I can just accept it someday. I'm not there yet. I'm still in some kind of weird mourning. In time I guess.....in time.