sunflower

Friday, September 17, 2010

My Mom, My Friend

I visited with my mom today, as I do almost every day. She was having a hard day today. Her mom passed away in June. I don't know how to help her, and I dearly wish I could.


Mom's family has always been matriarchal. This stems back to her great-grandmother, and continues today with my sisters and I. It's just the way the women in this family are. My sisters and I are the same, and if I had a daughter, it's probably how she would be too. Along with being strong women, the women in our family are also best friends - so when my grandmother passed away, it left quite a hole.


I struggle with this because mom misses her best friend. And, I naturally want to help since seeing her hurt is painful for me. I would love to fill that hole, but I simply cannot. I don't have the history, I don't know about the "good ol' days", and I'm in a different place in life. Where she's quilting and camping with dad - I'm still potty training and packing school lunches.


I do see where she's coming from though. I look at her loss & put myself in her place. It would be like me losing her, and that thought is unbearable. I have great empathy for her.

I'm unsure of what to do. I suggested some groups at church that have women her age in them, but I think she is scared to start something new. I know that time will help. For now, I'll just continue listening and be her daughter & friend. I just wish I could take her pain away.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sweet Spot

With fall comes a new bible study and this season we are studying "Cure to the Common Life" by Max Lucado. I think it's going to be a great study.

The first chapter talked about finding that "sweet spot" in your life. The spot where you are gifted, where God intends for you to be, where you are comfortable and effective. Some of us are so busy fitting into so many roles, I don't think we really know or remember what our sweet spots are. I know this is true for me.

He talks about how a room full of preschoolers can be a noisy, chaotic mess. But, to God, it is a masterpiece in the making. Every child is working in his/her sweet spot. Some might be painting, some may be building, some may be nurturing a baby, some may be tapping rhythms on a drum and some may be "acting out" to gain attention. Every preschooler in the room is performing in their sweet spot & pleasing to God - even the one "acting out."

I see this daily with my little guys. I watch as Hamilton problem solves with his intricate buildings and know that one of his gifts is problem solving and thinking outside of the box. I know that Harrison is a "feeler" and is very aware of the emotions and happenings of the world around him. Even though Harrison is vocal (wow - does that boy's voice carry!) and is viewed by some to be "too loud", I know that what now might seem "acting out" could be a valuable trait for a leader in the adult world. And I know that Henderson is an entertainer. He loves making people smile and talking with people - he's never met a stranger.

It occurred to me while reading this bible study that while I relate almost everything to my children, I am God's child. I sometimes forget that. I imagined him looking over me in several things I'm trying (leading a bible study, cooking more elaborate meals, sewing more...) . It gave me chills to think of my Father God looking at me through the parent eyes I see my children through.

He gave me the gift of music. It's a God-given talent I have. I've put it away for the past 10 years. In fact, while it used to be my only identity, now most of the people in my life have no idea I possess this gift. I think it's time I stop hiding this gift or "sweet spot" and start sharing it. I'm looking forward to digging into this bible study and discovering my other "sweet spots" and maybe help someone else find theirs too.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Not Much to Say

I don't really have anything meaningful to write about, but decided I need to keep up with the blog more regularly. So, apologies in advance for boring you to tears!

Hamilton started the Second Grade this year. He is attending public schools after much soul-searching & crying on my part. He decided he likes his friends. I decided I lack patience. We'll see how it goes....we can always home school later if we want to. He's doing really well, by the way! He has also started cub-scouts, so give me a shout if you'd like some popcorn, we're selling it to support our pack!

Harrison had his first day of Yellow Balloon Preschool today. What a blessing this program & these teachers are! All of the children bloom in this program! Harrison has become so much more open and trusting of other people. I love this school, and think they should teach my kids through high school. (As adorable as my kiddos are though, they have declined.)

Henderson is potty trained. I can't believe it! I was ready for a tough time (like I had with my dear, sweet Harrison) but I was entirely surprised! He announced one day he pee-pee'd in the potty & then later that day he announced he poo-poo'd in the potty. Easy as that. A gift from God, nothing less. 100% angel this one???? Maybe not. He's exerting his will & temper daily now & lives to argue with his brothers. Ahhhh.........the terrible two's. Ugh.

Matt and I are working on our front flowerbeds. They are the eyesore of the neighborhood. Our lawn is the best on the block, but with weeds in the flowerbeds higher than prairie-grass, it sure is an eyesore! We are almost done weeding and are almost done mulching. We are going to plant a Dogwood tree and another shrub to complete the hedge in the front. I'll post pictures later. Our house is so plain, so anything to add a little pizazz with do wonders. I always have elaborate plans for the spring. I was going to plant tons of crepe's & plant thousands of bulbs...but I always get busy & spend my money on other things...like...oh yeah...my kids!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Growing up, and Letting Go

So...I hate to be a downer, but I've got to write about this experience I'm going through.

I believe that nothing "grows you up" faster than giving birth with the exception of watching someone die.

My grandmother, Gracie, is in the "active death" part of her life. I have to tell you - I hate that term "actively dying".

I'll start by giving you a little history.

Gracie has had rheumatoid arthritis since 1970. She has been completely crippled by the disease. She's had multiple surgeries and cutting-edge joint replacement appliances put in her wrists and hands. She is an artist, and has amazed everyone with how her crippled hands can create such beauty. She has osteo-perosis and and steadily shrunk in size since I can remember. She has COPD. She smoked most of her adult life.

More than any of her illnesses though, she was a role model. A role model of how to be independent, of how to be a strong woman, of how to face adversity head-on, and on how to dream. Our family has a history of being matriarchal. She carried that torch successfully....we are all strong women.

She has lived with my mom and dad for over 4 years, and that entire time been under hospice care. Yes, I said 4 YEARS. While I'd love to say that the four years she was living with mom and dad was easy, I can't really lie. There was daily bickering - the food wasn't good, or people in the house were too loud - anything and everything. Mom and Gracie bickered all the time. Sometimes the negativity was hard to handle.

I never understood how mom could handle this. I was angry that she would handle it. I mean, sometimes it seemed as if Gracie had stolen my mom away from me. There wasn't enough of her to go around. She could take care of Gracie and that was all the energy she had. And, often, my sisters and I were over there giving mom a break. We took specific nights of the week - sometimes several nights a piece and that all took a toll on our families also. This past 4 years has been rough on all 16 of us (mom, dad, Gracie, the three of us girls and our families).

Mom could never put Gracie in a nursing home. Sometimes we blamed her. Once, we took her to a very nice nursing home in the morning and by 4:00 in the afternoon, we had picked her up and brought her back home. After being so strong and independent and nurturing us, we could not stomach the thought of her being alone in a nursing home.

And, here we are. She is dying. At mom and dads house. It has been such a long road. She is not in pain. She sleeps most of the time and her breaths are getting more shallow by the hour. My sisters and I are taking shifts to stay with mom and help make sure Gracie gets her medicine on time so she'll be comfortable. This is hard to watch. Hard. To. Watch.

I'm in charge of the after-death arrangements. Not sure how I got that job, but I will do whatever mom needs me to. I'll stay busy. I'll cry some when I'm alone. I'll give her pills or pain patches & turn her in bed. I'll sing hymns to her. Whatever helps mom or Gracie.

After all the struggle, after all the years, after all the arrangements, something occurred to me today. I was thinking about how beautiful it was when God blessed me with each of my boys. I remember each one of their first breaths, their first cries, and marveled at their perfection. I remember thanking God for the perfection he had trusted to me! It occurred to me that it's such a blessing to be a part of sending my Gracie to heaven, for a more-perfect-than-birth body. To be a part of ending someones struggle and knowing that they'll soon see the face of God. And, it helps me to think of death (just as birth) as being close to God. This time is precious.

I love her and will miss her.

At 35, I still hate these "growing up" lessons - just like I did at 5.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The View From My Perch

So, I work at church in the Audio/Video perch (or balcony.) I sit upstairs for almost every church service or special event that happens in our church. I have the best view of the choir, the "Littlest Lambs" children's choir, and the back of every one's head. I'm usually concentrating on where we are in the service, how our video ministry can emphasize our Pastor's message, watching the live webcast for any prayer requests that come through, yada yada. Working.

But...last Sunday, 02-28-10 something very special caught my eye. A handsome man with two cute little boys, about the ages of 7 and 4 (both with glasses) walked in and sat in the front of the sanctuary. They weren't there at the beginning of the service, but came in as the sermon was getting started. From the time I saw them walk in, I was oblivious to my job duties. I tried to concentrate, but couldn't stop watching this man with these two boys. Yes, this was Matt with Hamilton and Harrison.

You see, Harrison, 4, has never been in Big Church as we call it. He is usually in the nursery with the other "babies". He has recently not been wanting to go to the nursery, but he is still hesitant to come to Big Church. And, we really haven't pushed him since Matt basically has to sit down there with them by himself (and Hessie, Harrison, is a VERY strong willed, LOUD child.) But, this was the Sunday for change.

Watching them sit and listen to the scripture reading, I was amazed. I mean, it had been a whole 4 minutes without an outburst. (Never mind that the scripture reading that day was a movie clip from "The Gospel of John") Still, I was amazed. Then Pastor Tiger started his sermon, and Harrison started wriggling around, playing peek-a-boo with a grown man in the row behind him (thanks, Kyle.) Hessie was starting to fidget a little too much, so Matt scooped him up and left.

That left Hamilton sitting alone. Hamilton looked back at Matt to see if he had to go with them, but decided better of it. He turned, looked at Pastor Tiger, crossed his legs and sat still for the rest of the sermon!!! People from several rows back were commenting about how big Hamilton was. I have to admit, I wanted to scream "Hey- that's my kid - still 6 - LISTENING to the sermon!", but I didn't.

Soon, Matt brought Harrison back in. Harrison told Matt (audible from upstairs, but not a yell) that he didn't want to sit next to Matt, he wanted to sit next to Hamilton. Hamilton opened up his arms and helped Hessie climb over to sit on the other side of him. Then Hamilton put his arm over on Harrison and patted his shoulder. Harrison did the same with Hamilton. Let me just say - NO ONE on that side of the sanctuary knew what Pastor Tiger was saying after that. I watched them chatter about how precious these two little boys were, and watched their heads turn to watch what they were going to do next.

They were just two little boys, brothers, being best friends and trying to keep each other out of trouble. And, they are my little gifts from heaven (no matter how loud they are!) It was, the best sermon this mom has heard in a long time.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Life, blessed

Saturday 01-30-10 I had a moment. One of those moments where time stands still and God's grace seems to be in everything you see, touch, hear and feel. Those moments are few and far between in our busy lives, but on this snowy Saturday afternoon, I drank it in.

Snow fell all day the day before and we had a good 7 inches on the ground. The sun was out, and so were we - all five of us - playing in the snow. The kids were taking it all in, from the way the snow tasted, the way it crunched beneath their shoes, the way it glittered in the sunlight and the way icicles had formed on their playhouse. It was magical. Matt always calls snow magic...and I think he's right.

I came inside to start the hot chocolate that I knew would soon be needed and to get lunch started. As I was chopping the vegetables for our soup that afternoon I realized how blessed we were. I teared up, not because I was chopping an onion, but because of our grace-filled, abundant life. I mean, here I stood watching the most handsome, wonderful man in the world discover the snow with my three sons....helping them discover and find magic in our very own backyard. And, all while I'm in my warm house, furnished with comfortable furniture, chopping fresh produce that I can buy at any grocery store at any time I want to.

The kids came in soon and put dry, warm clothes on, sipped on their hot chocolate and talked about their experience outside. They were anxious for lunch and glad to be warming up. I felt so blessed to have them in this moment, listening to their chatter & giggles. I didn't even mind the extra load of laundry this "discovery" had made, and I didn't mind the mud that Spooky, our dog tracked in.

I won't soon forget those few moments that Saturday. And, I hope that I have more moments where I am in awe of the blessed life that I live.

Friday, September 4, 2009

August

Wow! Time flies when you are busy!

Hamilton started school. He's doing great and so proud to be able to show
us around his school at open house. First grade is such a big change from Kindergarten. They work all day with very little free play time, if any. He gets one "special" a day. Specials are: P.E., Music, Computer, Library. His favorite specials are Music and P.E. He's a "car rider" again this year. If he gets good behavior marks during the week, he gets to pack his lunch on Fridays. He LOVES taking his lunch and gets so excited to see what treat I put in and what I said on the note I write to him.



Harrison is starting pre-school on Tuesday, Sept. 8. He has visited the class and is very excited. He'll be going to Yellow Balloon Preschool at our church. I'm wondering how I'll feel dropping him off for the first day. When I dropped Hamilton off, I drove to Wal-Mart and cried in the parking lot. I'm having a feeling I'll do pretty much the same thing with Hessie. I miss them like crazy when they are away!






Henderson is as big as the other two.....at least in his mind! He's eating with his own fork and spoon. He's growing up too fast! He is generous with kisses and will give you as many as you can stand. He loves to dance to music. He's socializing a lot at church - no longer crying when we leave him in the nursery.


Matt's back into the swing of work. He thinks this is the best group of kids he's ever had and is excited about getting to do more learning activities with them. He loves those little ones, and loves it when they "get" what he is teaching them. Lucky little kiddos, I say.....


I've recently started couponing. It's amazing to me that you can
walk out of a store paying NOTHING for a cart full of groceries.
It just takes planning, and lots of coupons! It's a game...and Harrison, Henderson and I love getting our "bargains" everyday!
Matt gets a big kick out of it too. I got all of these groceries, plus 2 Reese's candies for free at Walgreen's on Monday....plus had a $3.00 overage...so I made money on the deal! Pretty cool, I'd say!

Another neat thing coming up is I'm going to be on TV
talking about our Audio/Video ministry in September.
Every few months our church is asked to feature a ministry on a local Christian television show in Tulsa. They've asked Buffy and me to come talk about the importance of this ministry, and maybe give other churches some tips on how to get started or further their programs. I'm not really excited about being on TV, but I am excited about our AV ministry and how it helps people worship, learn and get closer to God.


Well, that's a lot of what's going on here in Owasso. We're excited about watching some football, eating chili and kicking off fall!!!!! We hope that you and yours have a wonderful September!