5 Years Ago....

5 years ago, I was in the hospital's "high risk" labor ward. I had been there for nearly two weeks. I had been on bed rest for a much longer time. I was going pre-eclamptic & knew I would give birth to a premature boy. The doctors were considering every day that he was in the womb a victory.



I HATED being there. I resented being there. I had a two year old and a husband I missed dearly. I could hardly see what a blessing it was to be there, and it was a blessing. What a blessing to have the medical facility and staff to make sure that my Harrison would be born as healthy as possible, and that I would not die in the process. The staff was wonderful, and my OB would actually dance hip-hop style to get me to smile. I was not a very good patient.



In a few days Harrison will turn 5. I always look back on that day and thank God I was in that hospital. I had been fine earlier in the day, but had developed a pretty bad headache. Matt and Hamilton came to visit that evening, and I tried to shake the headache. After they left, I was having blinding pain. I called the nurse to see if I could get some Tylenol and go to sleep for the night. She came in, took my vitals and immediately ran to get the OB that was on call. I was getting ready to have a stroke.



They induced labor, lowered my blood pressure & gave me an epidural (I didn't have one with my first born and I "heart" epidurals.) I was scared that I was going to have this baby at 34 weeks instead of the targeted 36. They told me he would probably survive and that "probably" scared the hell out of me! (More blood pressure medication, please!) Soon I delivered my 7lb. 4oz. baby boy. He was not breathing, and they whisked him of to the NICU nursery.



It was about an hour after delivery when I was able to see him and I was not ready for the sight. It was sobering. He was struggling to breath and had tubes and IV's everywhere. I was not able to stay long as I was still very sick & my blood pressure was not yet under control. It was one of the hardest moments of my life.



He was in the NICU for over two weeks, steadily improving every day. I sat in his little cubicle, stroking his hand and singing and talking to him. The nurses loved how he responded to my voice & I'll have to say, I did too. It was so hard. One day would be a good day, then I'd come in a few hours later and he would have had a major setback. It was the proverbial "one step forward, two steps back." About a week after he was born, I finally got to hold my Harrison. I can't even describe it. It was heaven. He soon was able to come home - after what seemed an eternity in the NICU.



He's had a few issues with asthma. He seems to have allergy or virus-induced asthma. When he's sick, we do breathing treatments to help him breathe better, but he's not officially asthmatic. We think the current digestive difficulties may be due to his prematurity, and we'll know more about that after his tests this week.



I'm scared of the tests this week. I'm sad that he'll have more poking and prodding going on - especially on his actual birthday, but I'm also aware of the miracle that he is and how he would not have survived (and I may not have either) without the wonderful care of the doctors & nurses we received early in his life. I'm going to have faith in my God, that he'll be there with my Harrison & He'll lead us to an answer and solution to Harrison's sickness through the care of these doctors and nurses.



I love you Harrison. Hessie. Hess. H2. Crankie Frankie. Happy Hess. Professor H. My 2nd little Miracle. I love you.

Donuts

Today, instead of having my normally scheduled protein & fruit for breakfast, I think I'll walk on the wild side and eat what my kids are having - donut holes! Every payday we drive thu the donut shop near our house & get everyone their own little bag. It's a big deal in this house (at least to the kids) and I feel like experiencing it.....I can't wait for Matt to walk through the door with our little bags! This weekend, I hope you are able to experience the world around you as a child would!

Just a Smidge

So, for the past 4 months we've been really overcome with poop in this house! Harrison, our middle child, has been having lots and lots of it. Tons. Literally. There's something going on in there, we just don't know what it is. We've been to countless Dr.'s appointments and done countless tests. We are preparing for a colonoscopy and EGD on his birthday next week. We are tired of this poop - and none more tired than Harrison!

We went yesterday for a blood draw to find out if he has Celiac Disease and also to mark how anemic he is now. I didn't sleep the night before. With any other child, I probably would have snoozed until the alarm went off, but not with Harrison. He's....well....spirited. Yes, spirited. That's what we'll call it. And loud. Very loud. The boy's got a good set of lungs on him!

Needless to say, I didn't tell the poor little guy we were going to the doctor until we were en route. I let him know we were going to see the gastroenterologist. He immediately asked if he'd have to get "poked" (that's what the child psychologists say we should call a shot these days...it sounds less threatening, but hurts the same....whatever.....). I answered that he would be getting a poke, and then he gave his lungs a good exercise. He had settled down by the time we got to the doctor, and did pretty darn well until the lab tech called his name.

We entered the lab room and he asked if it was going to hurt. The lab tech, who seemed about 15 years old, answered, "Uh, yeah....but not bad." (Thanks, Cyndi, lab tech girl. Really appreciate that.) He began to wail. I talked to him and told him it would hurt less if he was still like a statue, and it would only pinch for one second. Then we started timing seconds. He thought it might be bearable. The poke came and he yelped for a minute until it was all done, then picked his sticker out and we were on our way!

On the way out, we sat on a bench to catch our breaths and so I could give him a big hug. I told him that he was very brave. He furrowed his little brow and said, "No, not really mom. But maybe just a smidge." What a trooper. I've laughed about that ever since. I love his sincere honesty.

I'm praying we will find out what is bothering his little tummy with the upcoming tests. I'm scared, and I know he will be too, but maybe I can be very brave.....or even just a smidge.

My Mom, My Friend

I visited with my mom today, as I do almost every day. She was having a hard day today. Her mom passed away in June. I don't know how to help her, and I dearly wish I could.


Mom's family has always been matriarchal. This stems back to her great-grandmother, and continues today with my sisters and I. It's just the way the women in this family are. My sisters and I are the same, and if I had a daughter, it's probably how she would be too. Along with being strong women, the women in our family are also best friends - so when my grandmother passed away, it left quite a hole.


I struggle with this because mom misses her best friend. And, I naturally want to help since seeing her hurt is painful for me. I would love to fill that hole, but I simply cannot. I don't have the history, I don't know about the "good ol' days", and I'm in a different place in life. Where she's quilting and camping with dad - I'm still potty training and packing school lunches.


I do see where she's coming from though. I look at her loss & put myself in her place. It would be like me losing her, and that thought is unbearable. I have great empathy for her.

I'm unsure of what to do. I suggested some groups at church that have women her age in them, but I think she is scared to start something new. I know that time will help. For now, I'll just continue listening and be her daughter & friend. I just wish I could take her pain away.

Sweet Spot

With fall comes a new bible study and this season we are studying "Cure to the Common Life" by Max Lucado. I think it's going to be a great study.

The first chapter talked about finding that "sweet spot" in your life. The spot where you are gifted, where God intends for you to be, where you are comfortable and effective. Some of us are so busy fitting into so many roles, I don't think we really know or remember what our sweet spots are. I know this is true for me.

He talks about how a room full of preschoolers can be a noisy, chaotic mess. But, to God, it is a masterpiece in the making. Every child is working in his/her sweet spot. Some might be painting, some may be building, some may be nurturing a baby, some may be tapping rhythms on a drum and some may be "acting out" to gain attention. Every preschooler in the room is performing in their sweet spot & pleasing to God - even the one "acting out."

I see this daily with my little guys. I watch as Hamilton problem solves with his intricate buildings and know that one of his gifts is problem solving and thinking outside of the box. I know that Harrison is a "feeler" and is very aware of the emotions and happenings of the world around him. Even though Harrison is vocal (wow - does that boy's voice carry!) and is viewed by some to be "too loud", I know that what now might seem "acting out" could be a valuable trait for a leader in the adult world. And I know that Henderson is an entertainer. He loves making people smile and talking with people - he's never met a stranger.

It occurred to me while reading this bible study that while I relate almost everything to my children, I am God's child. I sometimes forget that. I imagined him looking over me in several things I'm trying (leading a bible study, cooking more elaborate meals, sewing more...) . It gave me chills to think of my Father God looking at me through the parent eyes I see my children through.

He gave me the gift of music. It's a God-given talent I have. I've put it away for the past 10 years. In fact, while it used to be my only identity, now most of the people in my life have no idea I possess this gift. I think it's time I stop hiding this gift or "sweet spot" and start sharing it. I'm looking forward to digging into this bible study and discovering my other "sweet spots" and maybe help someone else find theirs too.

Not Much to Say

I don't really have anything meaningful to write about, but decided I need to keep up with the blog more regularly. So, apologies in advance for boring you to tears!

Hamilton started the Second Grade this year. He is attending public schools after much soul-searching & crying on my part. He decided he likes his friends. I decided I lack patience. We'll see how it goes....we can always home school later if we want to. He's doing really well, by the way! He has also started cub-scouts, so give me a shout if you'd like some popcorn, we're selling it to support our pack!

Harrison had his first day of Yellow Balloon Preschool today. What a blessing this program & these teachers are! All of the children bloom in this program! Harrison has become so much more open and trusting of other people. I love this school, and think they should teach my kids through high school. (As adorable as my kiddos are though, they have declined.)

Henderson is potty trained. I can't believe it! I was ready for a tough time (like I had with my dear, sweet Harrison) but I was entirely surprised! He announced one day he pee-pee'd in the potty & then later that day he announced he poo-poo'd in the potty. Easy as that. A gift from God, nothing less. 100% angel this one???? Maybe not. He's exerting his will & temper daily now & lives to argue with his brothers. Ahhhh.........the terrible two's. Ugh.

Matt and I are working on our front flowerbeds. They are the eyesore of the neighborhood. Our lawn is the best on the block, but with weeds in the flowerbeds higher than prairie-grass, it sure is an eyesore! We are almost done weeding and are almost done mulching. We are going to plant a Dogwood tree and another shrub to complete the hedge in the front. I'll post pictures later. Our house is so plain, so anything to add a little pizazz with do wonders. I always have elaborate plans for the spring. I was going to plant tons of crepe's & plant thousands of bulbs...but I always get busy & spend my money on other things...like...oh yeah...my kids!

Growing up, and Letting Go

So...I hate to be a downer, but I've got to write about this experience I'm going through.

I believe that nothing "grows you up" faster than giving birth with the exception of watching someone die.

My grandmother, Gracie, is in the "active death" part of her life. I have to tell you - I hate that term "actively dying".

I'll start by giving you a little history.

Gracie has had rheumatoid arthritis since 1970. She has been completely crippled by the disease. She's had multiple surgeries and cutting-edge joint replacement appliances put in her wrists and hands. She is an artist, and has amazed everyone with how her crippled hands can create such beauty. She has osteo-perosis and and steadily shrunk in size since I can remember. She has COPD. She smoked most of her adult life.

More than any of her illnesses though, she was a role model. A role model of how to be independent, of how to be a strong woman, of how to face adversity head-on, and on how to dream. Our family has a history of being matriarchal. She carried that torch successfully....we are all strong women.

She has lived with my mom and dad for over 4 years, and that entire time been under hospice care. Yes, I said 4 YEARS. While I'd love to say that the four years she was living with mom and dad was easy, I can't really lie. There was daily bickering - the food wasn't good, or people in the house were too loud - anything and everything. Mom and Gracie bickered all the time. Sometimes the negativity was hard to handle.

I never understood how mom could handle this. I was angry that she would handle it. I mean, sometimes it seemed as if Gracie had stolen my mom away from me. There wasn't enough of her to go around. She could take care of Gracie and that was all the energy she had. And, often, my sisters and I were over there giving mom a break. We took specific nights of the week - sometimes several nights a piece and that all took a toll on our families also. This past 4 years has been rough on all 16 of us (mom, dad, Gracie, the three of us girls and our families).

Mom could never put Gracie in a nursing home. Sometimes we blamed her. Once, we took her to a very nice nursing home in the morning and by 4:00 in the afternoon, we had picked her up and brought her back home. After being so strong and independent and nurturing us, we could not stomach the thought of her being alone in a nursing home.

And, here we are. She is dying. At mom and dads house. It has been such a long road. She is not in pain. She sleeps most of the time and her breaths are getting more shallow by the hour. My sisters and I are taking shifts to stay with mom and help make sure Gracie gets her medicine on time so she'll be comfortable. This is hard to watch. Hard. To. Watch.

I'm in charge of the after-death arrangements. Not sure how I got that job, but I will do whatever mom needs me to. I'll stay busy. I'll cry some when I'm alone. I'll give her pills or pain patches & turn her in bed. I'll sing hymns to her. Whatever helps mom or Gracie.

After all the struggle, after all the years, after all the arrangements, something occurred to me today. I was thinking about how beautiful it was when God blessed me with each of my boys. I remember each one of their first breaths, their first cries, and marveled at their perfection. I remember thanking God for the perfection he had trusted to me! It occurred to me that it's such a blessing to be a part of sending my Gracie to heaven, for a more-perfect-than-birth body. To be a part of ending someones struggle and knowing that they'll soon see the face of God. And, it helps me to think of death (just as birth) as being close to God. This time is precious.

I love her and will miss her.

At 35, I still hate these "growing up" lessons - just like I did at 5.